the suburban pub meal

I always thought that pubs across the country in the burbs had all moved towards the idea of gastrohavens. That is, the days of the pub grub would surely be overtaken by upping the wank ante of food and all but destorying the humble counter meal.

But in the inner west of Melbourne, this is radically different. There are numerous pubs that perch on the edges of Footscray, that are doing cheap pub meals for the same as you would pay for a mcdonalds meal, and with 500 times the nutritional value.

Last night I lobbed at the Buckingham Hotel on Buckingham Street in Footscray. The pungent smell of smokeable herb in the outdoor section at the back ensured that I had an appetite, yet on venturing inside, the place was chockers - not a seat to be had. I have been here many times before and for $7, you will walk out full of their daily special. This ranges from a bangers and mash, chicken schnitzel, fish and chips etc etc. And the quality is fantastic

So dining partner and I choofed off down the street to Harts Hotel on Victoria Street, the same street that Delizia Cucina, a one hat dining venue in Seddon, calls home. The daily special, a porterhouse steak with vegetables and chips for $7. Yes, seven dollars. Why anyone would eat take out with this sort of offering about is beyond me. I threw in an extra couple of bucks for a chicken parma. As much as I am a gourmand, I love a good parma. This was an enormous plump chicken breast, crumbed and flash fried to ensure that it remained moist. It was topped with a delicious sugo and some cheese and grilled. With salad and chips, it was a cracker. I left full.

There are disadvantages, like the loud and often unkempt crowd in the front bar, betting on 2 flies crawling up the wall, and the tab doing double time. But it lends an atmosphere to the place. The wine is okay, served in something not much larger than a medicine cup, but clearly the brisk trade in beer hasnt allowed them to catch up.

This is one venue I would love to get hold of - the dining space is huge and well fitted out, for the price and the food is really very good.

I am off to buy a lotto ticket so I can make them an offer.

Deconstructing Food

One of the many joys of my somewhat sad life is food. The marriage of texture, flavour, colour and taste is all important- all the elements should join together to create a combined flavour, rather than individual elements being seperated and segregated, like the sportsmen and the nerds at high school.

So you can imagine my disgust, dear reader, at this whole concept of deconstructivists. I am more of the mind to call them destructive.

Where is the talent and the imagination of taking ingredients that should, without fear or favour, be combined to create a dish, rather than bits plopped on a plate like lepers being sent away from healthy people back in the middle ages.

I recently had cause to eat a caesar salad that had been deconstructed. arriving looking sad and forlorn on a plate was a pile of lettuce, next to some pancetta, with shavings of parmesan, and some dry crusts of bread. In a pot in the side sat a dressing that tasted more like ranch than caesar, and finally a coddled egg sat in the middle of the plate, like a fat kid on their own in a ring of bullies.

I was flabbergasted at this foolish idea of pulling apart a classic dish that so relies on its integration of flavour and texture and taste, and actually asked the waiter had the chef gone home and left me to do the work.

I go out to dine so I dont have to spend the time in my own well stocked and quasi professional kitchen. Why then should I be required to build my own dinner, at my expense, whilst there is a chef or a team of staff out back in the kitchen cleaning their nails with their paring knives.

Dont get me wrong. Chefs work probably harder and suffer more stress than almost any occupation I know. I am aware of this becuase I am a qualified chef. But if we continue to deconstruct food and be quite plainly lacking in respect for the combination, then what remains but to stay away from these venues and cook at home.

I am clued up to trends and like new things in food, but lets go back to the days where we get meals served to us that are, in their entirety, complete and ready to devour.

country pub or gastronomic haven?

When is a country pub not a country pub? When it is the Royal Mail Hotel complex in the verdant hills of Western Victoria’s Grampians region.

And of what value a country pub to Melbourne’s queer population. A perfect destination to be savoured and enjoyed in an idyllic setting, perfect for romance or a damned fine country knees up for you and a bunch of your closest.

With the success of the Spring Migration in Yackandandah and Chill Out in Daylesford, maybe a summer migration to Dunkeld would be appropriate for the country loving queers. With stunning accommodation to suit every budget and style and the recent arrival of uber talented chef Dan Hunter, fresh from work in some of the most famed Spanish restaurants, and a CV that boasts some of Melbourne’s best eateries, you cant be anything but excited. A $3 Million wine cellar that would be the envy of every queer quaffer and wine wanker, and 27000 acres of stunning farmland to get lost in, this is simply the best country Victorian destination for food and beverage, to be had.

An 1850’s homestead that has been refurbished to its former glory sleeps a dozen and for a measly $1000 a night, it doesn’t get much more authentic or grand. Imagine you and a bunch of your friends on the deck of this house, with Mt Sturgeon overlooking your every move, a working sheep and cattle station, and the food as the jewel of the western district. What more could you ask for? If you want more, its there. On site gardens provide the freshest vegetables and herbs, orchards and an olive grove provide fruit, and rumor has it that a truffle inoculation process around some of the aged oak trees on the property has been successful.

A stunning 3-4 hour drive from Melbourne or a quick 35 minute plane flight from Essendon airport and you have arrived in Dunkeld in time for a sunset and a bottle of red collected from one of the many wineries on the way. Accommodation awaits you in many guises. From simple garden view rooms, to self contained apartments, a farmhouse that sleeps 12, the Mulberry house that also sleeps 12 and the homestead, there is something there for everyone in a queer friendly environment.

A function centre seating 150 would suit the most discerning of function planners, and who knows, if we ever get legislation allowing us formal and legal recognition of our relationships, what better place to celebrate with your family and friends.

Whether bush walking and sharing space with local fauna and birds is your bag, or leisure activities like golf, museums and swimming are more up your alley, Dunkeld has them all.
This has to be the best unheard of queer destination Victoria has to offer

So queer Victorians, forget the usual country drives and head west. You will be delighted, as I was, with the quality of this venue.

email me your thoughts to food.and.wine.scribe@gmail.com